All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
