apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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