Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
