I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
