I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
