ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
