so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
