I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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