We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
