nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
