It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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