My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm at about main and main street
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
