he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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