I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
