I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
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