JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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