If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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