Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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