so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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