I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
please come you make the beer taste better
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
