You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
