I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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