I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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