Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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