I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
