saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Boobs speak an international language.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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