i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The Olympian is in my bed
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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