Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
