when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
