I can text with my tongue
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
