ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
