When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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