Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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