I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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