1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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