If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
