you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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