why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
you traded sex for a burrito?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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