I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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