dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
third nipple confirmed
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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