dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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