She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
