question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
