Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
