so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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