i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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