i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
