That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
