if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
