someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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