U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
