My liver just broke up with me...
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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