last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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